And other Myths about Forgiveness

I had been seriously wronged.  I had done nothing to deserve the kind of treatment I had received, and I was hurt.  After my husband had an extended period of unemployment I had reluctantly returned to work, even though I still had small children at home.  I was happy to find an employment situation that provided childcare so that my children could be near.  I felt this was the ideal job situation.  I was wrong.  At first I had a very good working relationship with my supervisor.  As time progressed, however, she made some decisions that impacted me negatively.  When I protested the decisions she made some accusations of me that made it impossible for me to continue to work with her.  Fortunately during my short employment my husband’s job situation improved.  My income allowed us to get back on our feet and I was happy that I was now in a position to quit my job and stay home with my children.

I tried to put my unhappy memories behind me and forget about the past, but there was one problem.  My supervisor happened to be a member of my stake (a large congregation for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints).  I dreaded seeing her at stake events.  Fortunately she did not attend many events and I rarely saw her.  I knew as time progressed that I would heal, but it wasn’t happening very fast.  I felt increasingly resentful toward my former supervisor and started feeling paranoid that I would see her face to face.  Then the dreams started.  It was always the same.  I was at the stake building for some kind of event or meeting.  Somehow I became aware that “she” was there.  Fear struck my heart.  I couldn’t let her see me!  I would spend the rest of the dream hiding from her so she didn’t see me.  If she couldn’t see me she couldn’t have any power over me.  I would always wake up in terror, and then, after a few minutes, realize how silly I was being.  Why couldn’t I get over this?

About a year after my employment ended I realized I wasn’t getting over this devastating situation as quickly as I had hoped I would.  I still had deep resentment for this woman.  At this point I started to wonder if I should forgive her.  One day I heard a radio commentator talk about forgiveness.  “Why should you forgive someone who hasn’t asked to be forgiven?  Forgiveness should be predicated on whether or not the person who did the wrong has repented,” he reasoned.

Was this true?  Did my former supervisor only deserve forgiveness if she asked for it?  After all I had been genuinely wronged.  Why should I forgive someone who wasn’t even repentant for what she had done?  For several months I mulled these thoughts around in my head.  I prayed for relief for the anxiety I felt and the dreams I was experiencing.  I realized that I wasn’t thinking about it all of the time as I once had, but the dreams continued and the hurt was still there.  One day I realized I hadn’t gone to the scriptures for the answer to my question about forgiveness.  I didn’t do an extensive search for scriptures on forgiveness, maybe it was easier to just assume I didn’t have to forgive without an apology, but I did start to notice scriptures that talked about repentance and forgiveness.  At first they all seemed to prove my theory that the transgressor must ask for repentance.  The burden seemed to be on them to cry for forgiveness and confess their sins.  I knew we were required to forgive those who asked for forgiveness, but I had come across nothing that said we must forgive without repentance.  I had just about convinced myself that I was completely justified to withhold my forgiveness.

Then one day I was reading the Doctrine and Covenants and came to section 64 verse 10, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”  Uh, oh.  This seemed to be contrary to what I had come to believe.  I began to search the surrounding verses for more information.  Surely there must be one that said you must forgive all men, but only if they ask for forgiveness.  I didn’t get much help reading forward in the section so I began to backtrack.  When I read the proceeding verse, verse 9, it was as if it had been written specifically for me.  “Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.”  Was I committing the greater sin by not forgiving?  As quickly as I had asked myself the question I knew the answer.  All those months I had been unsure if I was required to forgive, but now I knew.  Forgiveness is not for the transgressor; forgiveness is for the person that has been wronged.  When we forgive we are empowered over those who have wronged us.  When we hold onto resentment we give them power over us.  Forgiveness is the power to heal.  Suddenly everything that had been so unsure for all these months was crystal clear.

Knowing I must forgive was easy, doing it was not.  This was not the end of my quest, but the beginning.  I studied, prayed and thought about the situation a lot.  Gradually I found that I rarely thought about the hurt, and when I did it didn’t hurt quite so much.  But the dreams continued.  I didn’t get them quite as often, but they did come.

About two years after my employment ended our stake had a special day in the temple, a full day of temple attendance.  My husband and I had been unable to attend the sessions early in the day, but we did come for the evening chapel session.  We dressed in our temple clothes, walked into the chapel, happily greeting friends that we saw, and took a seat.  I sat peacefully enjoying the beautiful music and the company of those I was fond of when it happened.  My dream came true.  My former supervisor walked into the row in front of me and sat directly in front of me.  “She’s so close,” was my first thought, “that I could reach up and wring her neck!”  I wanted to scream!  I wanted to run and hide!  Why now!  Why here!  Then the thought came to me, “Why not here?”  What better place to get over my negative feelings.  What better place to really forgive.

I don’t know if my former employer saw me there that day.  She left the room ahead of us, and never looked behind to see me.  I don’t know if it would have made any difference if she had.  But I do know that a change come over me that day.  I realized that she is just a woman with faults, as we all had.  I realized that I could let the hurt go, and leave her alone to deal with her problems.  I realized I could forgive.  I know that the healing did end that day and my forgiveness was complete.  After that day in the temple I never had the dreaded dream again.

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Ever feel like you are just off? You remember having spiritually up days, you remember feeling joy and peace, but right now it just isn’t happening. Maybe the Parable of the Fitness fins will help you figure out what is off like it helped me.

A few years back I wanted to ramp up my work out a bit, so I bought some swimming apparatus to use during my morning swims.  It was clear that the paddles increased my speed and worked my arms substantially more, but I was not clear if the fitness fins were really helping.  Swimming is often a heavily upper body workout, as many swimmers don’t use their kick much at all, and feet and legs act more as a rudder than a propeller.  I have always had a particularly weak kick, despite trying to improve with the use of a kickboard.  My hope was that the fins would not only help improve my kick, but would also increase my lower body work out.

After using the fins for some time it seemed I was not really getting what I wanted from them.  When I really put my mind to it I did get more of a workout with my legs, but they did not really seem to improve my speed much at all.  My swimming partner, who had a particularly strong kick, could usually keep up with my finned kick with her finless legs.

Wanting to improve my use of the fins I took a drastic step and read the instructions.  They explained for best results it was important that you use a short, quick kick.  If the proper speed was found that the fins would greatly accelerate your speed.  At that point I realized I had been doing it all wrong.  I have been taking long flowing kicks, as you see scuba divers take.  This did not work for the short fitness fins at all.

On my next swim I experimented with different kicks to try and find the one that accelerated my speed and wondered how I would know if I found it.  Once I found it, there was no doubt; it was like I was zooming through the water.  I went by my friend with the powerful kick like she was standing still.  The kick did require a lot more exertion as it was very short and fast, however it moved me through the water so quickly that the extra energy required was well worth the effort.  Unfortunately, the rapid kick was very tiring and so it was not possible to go for long distances.  Eventually, I developed a pattern of interspersing the rapid kick with a slower kick so that I could take advantage of the effective kick, while still continuing my distance swim.

My journey to learn to use my fitness fins took place many years ago, but just this week I had an experience that made me think about it.  You see, I was doing my morning swim, the same one I have been doing 2 days a week for the better part of about 20 years now, and as I took my fins off I realized I hadn’t taken full advantage of the fins.  I swam along, mind off somewhere else, body on auto pilot, and not once during that swim had I taken advantage of the quick and powerful kick.  I wondered how long it had been since I had really worked my legs.  I wondered how long I had been going through the motions and not making the best use of my fins.

And then it occurred to me.  Just like I strapped this swimming tool to my body on a regular basis and yet did not take full advantage of it, I had a spiritual tool strapped to me that I often forgot to take advantage of.  Yes, at the age of 8 I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and given the Gift of the Holy Ghost.  A gift that I could always have with me, as long as I remained worthy.  So, here I was walking around with the gift with me all the time, and how many times had I forgotten to really take advantage of its strength?  How many times had I forgotten to kick quickly?  Yeah, it was a lot more work.  I had to remember to read my scriptures, say my prayers, make my best decision and then listen for answers.  It was way more work than just coasting through life and going through the motions, but when I took advantage of the power it was worth it.   Some people may wonder how you really know when you are really listening to the spirit.  But when you find it, when you hear it, when you feel it you know.  And, there is no denying it.  Just like that sprint I finally felt when I got the right kick with my fitness fins.  Keep working at it, and you will find it.

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Being a disciple of Jesus Christ colors the way I think, act and feel. Accessing the Atonement of Jesus Christ keeps me centered and focused on what is important.

— Karen E. Dimick

My original blog, dontgetmadgetbusy.com, was launched in 2009. It was a platform for my child-rearing book, Don’t Get Mad Get Busy, a place to share forms from my book, tips on kids and education, as well as my thoughts and ideas on things that were important to me. With the publishing of my new book, The Goats and The Sheep, I am ready to share more with the world about the topics related to my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates if you want to hear what I have to say. If you still want to hear from me, but are not interested in religion-related posts, be sure to check out and subscribe to my original blog.

I never aspired to be a writer…yet here I am, launching not only one novel, but an entire series. Here’s why.

I never aspired to be a writer, I hated English in school, hated assigned writing and even voluntary writing, never even wrote a journal or a diary, never felt creative or that I had ideas.  I really felt that studying grammar was a waste of time and the dumbest thing ever, but I could write well enough to get through my compulsory schooling.  Once I got to college I was sure writing wasn’t for me when I got a D on my first college paper at BYU in freshman English.  Yep, writing was not my thing.  But, I always had stories.

My earliest memories were in my parents’ bathroom.  Yes, you heard me right, they had really cool perfume bottles in there.  They all had names, Avon was the beautiful woman, Hai Karate was the dashing young suitor.  They had some wonderful adventures on that toilet tank cover, while my family wondered what was taking me so long in there. 

The Stories in my Head

Enter real life, adulting and parenthood, and those stories had to move into my head.  No time to write anything down, but they were there.  Avon and Hai Karate were replaced by more realistic characters and I wondered, “Is this normal?  Do other people have a story line constantly running, changing, evolving in their head?”

While I never fully determined my normalcy, I did determine that I could write.  Although creativity did not seem my thing yet, I could pen a factual article pretty successfully.  As pen and pencil gave way to word processing I found that an electronic platform made all of the difference for me.  Being able to write and edit without re- writing, or re-typing and consuming bottles of white-out was a dream, and just what I needed to be won over.  I found I was a writer after all!

Getting Published

Writing was one thing, publishing was another.  Back in the day, it took a lot of work, and luck, to get published.  After forays into writing about things that interested me, and many rejection notices, I was finally able to get a freelance gig with Parenting Magazine.  I wrote features that highlighted their advertisers in my local area.  It was pretty fun to interview business owners, take their pictures, get paid a small sum and get published.  And it gave me some great experience.  But the stories in my head just kept growing, and expanding.

While writing didn’t seem my thing as a young person, teaching and raising kids did.  As the oldest of 4, a babysitter to dozens, and a nursery leader to countless more I loved kids and being around young people.  Teaching came pretty naturally to me, and I entered the teaching field as a teenager working with preschoolers.  The skills I learned there helped me in parenthood, as did my talent for being able figure out the best way to do anything I put my mind to.  As my 5 kids grew, and my experience as a parent and a teacher with it, people asked me how I did it.  Oh, that there was a simple answer.  Of course there wasn’t, so instead I wrote a book.

“Don’t Get Mad, Get Busy, A Handbook for Raising Terrific Kids” was published in 2009, the same year I finished my Master’s thesis in Special Education.  I still don’t know how I did it during that crazy time in my life, but over these last 10 years the book has been a wonderful resource to many family members and friends.  I enjoy sharing and teaching others some of my best tricks of parenting.  But, the stories were still in my head, so about this time I decided they needed to be put to paper.

Goats and Sheep

I wrote a few simple chapters about a young Latter-Day Saint mother and her brood of lively little boys .  I knew the main character (Randy, as I came to call her) would struggle with understanding who the true followers of Jesus Christ were (or, more aptly, who the goats and the sheep were), she would struggle with learning to access the atonement of Jesus Christ, and she would struggle with her erroneous idea that an easy life was promised to the righteous.  By now, Randy had been living in my head for so many years that it was easy to bring her to life.  The years I had spent observing the women in my life and thinking about what made them who they were made it easy to know who Randy was and what made her tick.  She was truly a composite of so many women I loved and admired.

Happy to start to get Randy out of my head I showed the chapters I had written to my daughter-in-law.  She loved what I had done so far and begged for the rest of the book.  I felt sure that now that my first book was published and my thesis done I would finish my novel.  But, it wasn’t time. As often happens in life, the Lord had a different timetable.  I can’t really tell you what got in the way, but there was always so much else to do.  Teaching seminary, serving a Pathway mission, needs of kids, husband, parents and grandkids, too many other things in life were just too pressing to deal with Randy’s imaginary problems and finish her saga.

April 17, 2015 stands clear in my mind as the day I knew that the story needed to be completed and shared with the world.  I traveled with friends from our Southern California homes for Time Out for Women in Tucson, Arizona, unaware beforehand precisely who the speakers were.  My delight at realizing that we would be able to hear Sister Sheri Dew speak was replaced by the feeling, and then the sure confirmation, that the time was drawing near to complete my novel as I heard her speak.  While the TOFW talk made me aware that the time was drawing near when the story needed to be committed to paper, it wasn’t until several years had passed that I became fully aware of the timing or the purpose.  While I made some tentative efforts to complete my manuscript not long after TOFW life kept getting in the way.  Finally, in late 2017 and early 2018, I received the strong impression that the summer of 2018 was when I was to complete it.  I felt driven to carve time out of my busy schedule to put these characters, and Randy’s story, on paper.  She had been in my head long enough.

General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in April of 2018 was a landmark event.  Visiting Teaching was no more, and Ministering was in.  At the time of the announcement I was a bit confused and perplexed as to where this left my book.  You see, Visiting Teaching played a prominent role in my original draft.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t just a matter of changing the terms, I wanted this to be a timeless tale, how would this work out and why was I prompted to finish it the following summer?  Was my book ruined?  What about the promptings I had to finish the book that summer?  Then it hit me why.  This story was about ministering.  Making it a timeless tale would be a bit more challenging, but Ministering was the topic for which this story was meant.  The full story literally filled my brain and fell onto the pages once I fully understood the purpose and the timing was right.  My 30-year quest was coming to a close and my book was ready to share with the world.

A Novel is Born

Once I committed the story to paper I began the pain staking task of editing and looking for publishing opportunities.  Just as they had been a help as the story grow in my brain the women in my life were there for me, this time taking a much more active role.  Friends and family member stepped up, read my draft, gave me feedback and edited it for me. 

Finally, the story was told.  Randy could move out of my brain now that she lived on in “The Goats and the Sheep” a novel that I hope will be enjoyed by many.  Once the publishing was complete I could rest assured that my task was complete. 

Unfortunately, once again, the Lord had other ideas.  It was my sister who first suggested it. “When is the next book coming out? I need more, I love these characters!” 

“There will be no other book, this is all I have!” I told her.  After all, this story had taken 30 years to brew and be completed.  I won’t live long enough to put together another novel, and I had no desire to do so.  Then the inspiration, and the realization, hit me, there were more books, there are more women’s stories to be told, Randy’s life is just one point of view, I needed to tell the others.  Already, they have started living in my head.  My dread of having to write more books has been replaced by excitement and I can’t wait to tell their stories, in their own due time.

So, here I am, not just sharing one story, one novel, one women’s point of view.  Here I am launching an entire series of books, the Goats and Sheep series.

“And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.

…

“Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels…”

“Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.

“And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.”

Who are these Goats and Sheep?  I guess you will just have to read to find out.

Silhouette by Natasha Sinegina and edited by Karen E. Dimick, licensed by Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International (CC BY 4.0), for Creazilla.com, used with permission.